Disastrous attempt at domestication

So I don't know how to cook. The only thing I know how to make is scrambled eggs...and even then I mess up quite often. But for some odd reason, I decided that tonight would be a great night to try and make myself a breast of chicken. Below is the recipe I followed while attempting to make dinner for myself tonight:


Ingredients:
1. Frozen pick n' pay braii chicken (note: must be at least 92% composed of fat)
2. Dried rosemary spice (approximately 10 years old)
3. Excessive salt & pepper
4. Lemon pepper (who knew that existed?)
5. Unhealthy amounts of olive oil
6. The secret ingredient: SOY SAUCE!!

Directions:
1. Defrost chicken. But only halfway.
2. Sprinkle dried rosemary, salt, pepper, and lemon pepper onto watery half-defrosted chicken. Make sure to get both sides real good. Also, make sure to let the pepper container explode on the chicken. Really adds a burst of flavor if you ask me.
3. Preheat pan with a tbsp give or take of olive oil. But don't actually let it preheat. Just throw in the half-defrosted "spiced" chicken with the olive oil. Let it cook.
4. As oil starts spurting out all over the counter top and the floor, grab another pan and use it as a cover for your original pan. It should do the trick.
5. Give or take 5 or 6 minutes, flip the chicken and close with makeshift lid.
6. 2 minutes later, lift lid and then decide that since we're in Africa, the chicken definitely needs some color. So now, take the secret ingredient, the soy sauce!, and pour it on top of the chicken. Except make sure that the soy sauce comes out really fast from the bottle so that you end up pouring at least 3 tbsp onto the chicken.
7. Scream *!#$.
8. Quickly remove chicken from soy sauce pan and place it on dirty countertop. Use makeshift lid pan as new cooking pan. Pour absurd amount of olive oil into "new" pan and place chicken in new pan. Use clear oversized pot cover as new pan cover.
9. Breathe for 3 minutes.
10. Remove chicken from pan, but obviously forget to turn off the heat. Place onto plate and sit at dinner table. Cut into chicken only to discover that chicken is not cooked in middle.
11. Scream *!#$.
12. Grab chicken with fingers and place back into pan (see, isn't it good that you purposely forgot to turn off the heat?!) for approx. 4 minutes.
13. Remove lid to find that chicken is burnt. Place on plate and return to dinner table.
14. Remove charred chicken pieces and discard. Realize that there's only one bite of "edible" meat and the rest burnt fat.
15. ENJOY

So what I actually ended up eating for dinner tonight:
1. marshmallows
2. pretzel m&m's
3. granola